This is... mainly going to be for me so I can clear up some of my thoughts on their behaviour and my relationship with them as it is extremely complicated.
While I don't believe my parents are abusive or bad, I will admit their behaviour has been at times at least BORDERLINE abusive. I'd like to talk to you guys more about it and see what you think. I might even send this to them, but let's see how I go.
I don't ever want to completely discredit my parents. I understand that in a lot of my vent journals, I talk about unacceptable behaviour of theirs and how it HAS felt at least somewhat abusive towards me (which they reject)- but I do know at the end of the day they're only human. I know they love me. I love them. They would do anything for me to achieve my dreams, I know that. My parents are good people. They try to be most progressive and they have spent most of their money and time on me and my sister. They had paid for me and my sister to go to ballet and swimming lessons for more than 8 years. They have bought me phones, and christmas presents, and dug themselves into debt so I could get a basic education while in Uganda. They bought me more books, toys, clothes, than I could ever need. I have much, much better parents than a good portion of the people I know and have ever met. They have been nothing but supportive of my dreams to become an artist, and to I know that, and I respect that. I respect them.
I love my mother, she is strong, and resilient and funny. She is a tremendous leader and I hold so much respect for her. She is unrelentingly wise and sympathetic to those around her. However her telling me that she 'misses the old Heather' and that 'her little baby is gone' has torn me apart and led me to think that the person I am now is hated and not worth loving.
I love my father, he is smarter than any person I have ever known, extremely witty, he has been more empathetic than anyone else in my times of mental illness. However, though he is mainly patient his explosive temper has sent me into hyperventilating panics more than once, and his inconclusive ways decision making and of walking away from me when I'm talking to him has brought me to think that what I have to say isn't important or valid.
Both my parents are very good, wise people, but they need to recognise the impacts of their words and actions, and start being more open to hearing my opinion- even if it's that of a child's. They need to cease their superiority over children, and stop believing their words, views and worth are considered more important than that of a child's- especially their own. They need to be more understanding and open minded.
In fact, my relationship was EXTREMELY harmonious with my parents until about 2011, when I was diagnosed with a mental illness.
Since then, my relationship with them has deteriorated. It makes me so unbelievable sad, to the point of tears because before then I'd say my relationship with them was pretty amazing- considering how most parents and children's relationships are. I'm not saying we didn't have issues back then, because oh boy we did have many, but never anything that tore us apart. They were no where near perfect parents, but they tried their best.
Mental Illness truly destroyed my relationship with them.
Well not entirely, it wasn't directly mental illness, it has been the misunderstanding of mental illness that has destroyed my relationship with them. Don't get me wrong I love them dearly to this day, but sometimes their sheer ignorance towards my problems makes ME feel so unloved.
Mental illness runs in the family, we're pretty certain a majority of my dad's side of the family has ASD, and my dad himself had anxiety and depression from a young age. Even my mother had depression at one point and she's almost mental illness-phobic at times unfortunately. However hard they have tried to be empathetic of my situation, it always ends up with me feeling invalidated by them. They tell me how much worse they had it when they were children, and that I should be lucky my parents don't beat me. I personally believe this is a scapegoat so they can have an excuse to treat their child in whatever way they please. I think to an extent they believe that because their experiences with mental illness haven't been as destabilising as mine that I must be making it up, or being over dramatic, or just not interested in getting better. (All of these things have been implied in the past, no matter how much they don't recall saying these things- I DO.)
I struggle with a lot of things because of fatigue and anxiety in particular, which has been what most of my vent journals on here have been about. I find simple tasks and chores like showering, brushing my teeth, laundry, doing dishes, house work, and others along these lines to be EXTREMELY exhausting. They seem to think this is 'very convenient' of me and believe it's because I'm a 'lazy teenager'. Hence a lot of their behaviour towards me in the past few years has been demeaning, humiliating and disbelieving. Little do they know, its not just these "convenient" things I find utterly exhausting. Drawing for example, the one thing that keeps me going, is excruciatingly arduous- did you know for example every twenty to thirty minutes I have to go and lie down, because I am both so physically and mentally fatigued that it feels like an effort to breathe? I can't even lift my phone up a lot of the time, or sit up. I KNOW there's something wrong with me, normal people aren't like this- but my fatigue has been invalidated countless times and I have been told "everyone gets tired, Heather". They don't seem to understand this at all, they think I just couldn't care less. It's even worse because they believe I OWE them to help with housework because I'm a child, like I was born and I already have a debt to repay before I even start my life. Not only do I personally believe this mindset is extremely harmful to children in GENERAL, but to a child with an illness it can be the most crushing thing to hear. Especially as if I don't do these things I "owe" them, they take away my tablet/computer so I can't draw, and my phone so I can't try and reach out for any help. I think more than ANYTHING else my parents have done, that has been the most DEVASTATING thing. To know you can't HELP but be the way you are, and to be punished for an illness you didn't cause it is the most incapacitating thing to be made felt.
I often get extreme mixed signals from my parents, one day they will congratulate me on my progress and how well I'm doing, and then LITERALLY the next day they'll tell me that I just lounge around and do nothing to get myself better. It's extremely destructive to me, and it often leaves me in the dark on where I stand. They tell me I'm doing too much, then turn around and say I'm not doing enough. This back and forth between the praising of 'good girl' and the punishing of 'bad girl' has torn me up to the point where I only ever seek appraisal of others and I struggle to do anything for myself anymore. Sometimes they've even tried to tell me I've abused THEM which is the most the ridiculous, unjustified and cruel thing to tell someone who's ACTUALLY been abused. To give context, they took away my tech at night which HELPED me get to sleep because it would distract my mind from anxious thoughts (they were under the impression it was STOPPING me from sleeping, and refused to be told otherwise) and then I used to cry at their door at night because I couldn't escape my own mind and the boredom was driving me out of my own mind. They called my tears "abuse" because they told me to 'fend for myself and find something else to distract you' and I wouldn't let THEM sleep because of it. They had caused the problem, refused to fix it, and them turned it on ME in such a manipulative way to get me to shut up and let THEM get sleep while I stayed up all night drawing in red ink on my arms trying to fight the feeling to ACTUALLY hurt myself. I know they'll try and deny they ever said this or say it never happened- but I would NEVER make it up, they once told me and I quote;
"Yes well we didn't sign up for a child with mental illness." These words silence me everyday and echo in my mind whenever I try and tell myself I'm worth anything. Yes, maybe they didn't mean it, and yes I have said unkind things in moments of anger too- but that is unacceptable. When you decide to HAVE a CHILD you have to UNDERSTAND that they COULD have an illness- and if you don't understand that then YOU SHOULD NOT under any circumstances be having children until you do.
I'm not excusing my unkind behaviour towards them at times, I once swore at my mother and threw things at my father. I have slammed doors, broken glasses, plates, washing lines, and done my fair share of destruction. I do not wish to evade the responsibility of that. However, it was never out of anger, as my parents behaviour was. It was the only way I felt I could communicate to them. I wouldn't do it irrationally, I would do it so someone would come and give me help and love and stop ignoring me.
The time I swore at my mother- she had heard me screaming and crying in distress in my room, calling for help, for anyone, I was desperate. She walked past me, without a single care, so I told her to eff off then, because it was my last attempt to get her to try and listen to me. Sure enough, I heard her stop in her tracks.
The time I threw things at my father- he walked away from me when I said I was suicidal and scoffed. He has tried to deny this, but I remember it clear as day. I threw it something at (or rather near him, I wanted to get his attention, not hurt him) him to stop him from leaving me again and not taking me seriously.
The slamming doors, broken glasses and dropped plates were all a desperate attempt to have my voice heard and to be comforted, rather than to be ignored as per usual.
I could have communicated far better I will say that, but in the moment you must understand I was desperate and I genuinely thought I was going to die. Anyone who has experienced panic attacks will know that in attacks, you have this feeling of inescapable dread like everything is going to crumble, and you don't know why but you KNOW you are GOING TO DIE, even if you really aren't. I needed help and my parents have always walked away from me in my times of need.
I think at the end of the day, a tldr; for this is as such:
My parents are amazing people, who love and care for those around them. I love them with all my heart, they mean the world to me, I have never loved any other human being more than them. I love them so much my heart aches when I think about it. They are incredible selfless humans, however their misunderstanding of my mental illness and ways of communicating has meant they have often treated me with neglect and other abusive actions, even if they aren't actually abusive people.
In conclusion; They need to come to a better understanding of my problems instead of assuming I am simply lazy or not bothered in order to restore a relationship similar to the one we had when I was a child- or perhaps better.
I think I WILL send this to them, as I always communicate better through writing than speech, and hopefully it will help them to come to a better understanding of mental illness and how debilitating it has been for me.
I think my vent is over, so thank you for listening!
- Sam/Heather x
Skin by SimplySilent
